Breaking Up His Hard To Do. Dealing With Depression. Broken Promises.
I’ve Found My Future Wife. Now, How Do I Tell My Current Girlfriend?
Q. I recently met a woman whom I believe is truly the woman I’d like to spend forever with. The only problem is that I’ve been dating another woman for four months. She isn’t as good a match for me. How do I end my current relationship so that I can focus on the person I think is the better match?
A. How do you end your current relationship so that you can focus on the person you think is the better match for you? Just be honest and open with the person you are currently dating and let her know how you truly feel. Being honest with her now is better than running into difficulties later.
As you examine how to let go of the current woman you are dating, you might also examine what characteristics you actually look for in determining what makes a woman “the better match.” It is also important that you begin to look at the fact that you have dated someone for four months and cannot communicate honestly and openly with her. How will this translate into your dealings with the woman you believe is the better match?
You need to differentiate between a relationship and a situation. A true relationship involves communication, commitment, and compromise. A relationship is for the long haul—a situation is temporary. Evidently you have engaged in a situation rather than a relationship. Begin to look at yourself regarding commitment and communication, and whether you are truly ready for a relationship.
What Happened To The Love We Had?
Q. My wife and I have been married three years. We had a baby a year and a half ago. Things just haven’t been the same. We haven’t been intimate since. When I try to talk to her about it she says there’s no problem. How can I get her to address this?
A. Ten percent of all Americans suffer from depression in some form. Many women become depressed after the birth of a child. Ten to twenty percent of new mothers suffer from postpartum depression. Your wife likely is experiencing this. Often, depression after the birth of a child lasts for a week or more. If it lasts longer, as in your wife’s case, the person probably suffers from full-blown clinical depression or major depression.
Begin to look at the other symptoms your wife might be exhibiting in the marriage, such as sadness, a loss of interest in most pleasurable activities, insomnia, feelings of disconnection, feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, excessive weight loss/gain, restlessness or irritability, loss of energy or motivation, and thoughts of death or suicide. If your wife is exhibiting many of the aforementioned symptoms, you will find that you are less able to help her and she truly might not recognize that something is wrong. It is time to bring in a professional.
Depression is an illness that can be treated. Your wife can benefit from individual and couples psychotherapy with a licensed therapist to treat her illness and to help both of you understand her illness. Your wife might also need to engage in medication maintenance to assist her in dealing with some of the symptoms she is experiencing. Remember, depression is a treatable illness.
It’s My Body And I Say, “No More Children!”
Q. My husband wants to have another child, but I’m through. He says I’m obligated because we agreed to a certain number of children before marriage. What should I do?
A. Clearly, you and your husband must have a frank, honest, and open conversation about the agreement you two made before getting married concerning having children. Things change and people grow. The dreams you both had before marriage might not be a reality today for the two of you.
Explain to your husband your reason for not wanting more children. Be prepared to give him specifics as to the reasons you don’t want to have other children (effects on your body, emotional effects, economics, etc). You must also listen, however, to his reason for wanting to hold you to a premarital agreement. Also, the two of you must decide if the number of children you planned to have before marriage had anything to do with the reason that you married in the first place.
Even if you have no more children, it is imperative that both of you look at the love that exists between you today, the positive things that exist between the two of you in the here and now, and the pros and cons of not having more children or having more children. If your husband is not willing to go along with your decision to have no more children and he holds you to this premarital agreement, or if it becomes a strain on the marriage, it might be time to seek professional help from a marriage and family therapist.
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